Behavior Modification in Children - Why Do Tweens Lie?

Parents have been dealing with children who lie since the beginning of time. That's not new.

And using techniques such as behavior modification in children who have developed the habit of spouting falsehoods can be effective, but usually only if combined with a little detective work.

In a society that seems hellbent on demanding that children grow up faster and faster, the practice of lying is often a telltale symptom of a deeper issue.

What do I mean? Bluntly, a child lies for a reason. At least at first. Over time, however, lying becomes a habit which will require some hard work and intentionality to break.

If you have a tween who is lying to you on a regular basis, it's hard to stay calm when you are confronted with her lies.

Recognize that while the lying definitely needs to be addressed, yelling or nagging is probably not going to help your child stop this destructive habit but only drive it more underground.

Let's start with the basics.


- Why is your child lying?

Lying usually is a child's way of avoiding trouble. Something happens unintentionally that the tween thinks will get him into trouble and so he lies to stay out of said trouble.

Or a tween consciously decides to break a rule, knowing that if she is caught, there will be trouble. So she lies to get away with her indiscretion.

These are two very different scenarios and behavior modification would be equally different depending upon which scenario a tween is engaging in.

So when you catch your tween in a lie, say so. Have an honest talk. Ask why your child lied, but recognize that you will need to be extremely sensitive during this conversation. Your child will probably not, at least at first, tell you why he lied. After all, he's trying to stay out of trouble, he's already lied to do it and you are asking him to confess even more!

If you haven't made honesty a priority value in your home, now is the time. Think about how you use - or misuse - the truth and confess to your child your own shortcomings. Then explain how important honesty is and why. Talk about the specific ways people are hurt by lying - including the fact that YOU are hurt by learning your child has lied and that in turn hurts your relationship with your child.

Behavior modification at this point is focused on creating a home climate where your child understands that the act of lying is worse than whatever the original problem was. To do this requires as much behavioral change on your part as on the part of your tween.

You must be willing to stay calm and nonjudgmental when your child does run into trouble. Only a child who knows she can honestly admit her mistakes and the outcome of that admission will bring both love and consequence will ever risk telling you the truth in difficult situations. This takes time and practice to establish in a home!

Once you get a culture of honesty in your home, child behavior modification consists of firmly and lovingly enforcing consequences for the lying.

Daughter lies? No, she can't go to the party this weekend.

Son lies? No, he will have to miss the big game tomorrow night.

Will your tween be mad at you? Of course! She is trying to get you to take responsibility for her actions. Don't do it! Stand your ground. Your job is to guide and train your child into a responsible adult, not win a parenting popularity contest.

As your tween comes to realize you are standing your ground, he will come to respect you as his parent. And when respect enters a relationship, lots of things can change for the better.

So the next time your tween lies, handle it calmly and firmly. Try to discover the "why" behind the lie. Emphasize a culture of honesty in your home. And then enforce reasonable consequences for the lying behavior.

Hug lots and don't back down.


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Remember, you don't have to go it alone. Get even more ideas about behavior modification in children from a mom with nearly 30 years of parenting experience. In addition click now to get your own free copy of "Behavior Modification in Children - How to Get'em Up In The Morning".