Loving Our Kids

Are You Kidding? Talk About Disrespectful Children!

2011-04-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

No matter what their ages, disrespectful children are just that - disrespectful. Think your toddler is dissing you? Wait until you have these kinds of troubled teenager issues.

These two new parents are still learning how to parent themselves...primarily by giving up their selfish natures...and yet they have welcomed twins into the world.

Who thinks this is going to have a happy ending? Life is NOT a fairy tale and it can be devastating to succumb to the illusion that it is.

Troubled Teenagers and Choices

2011-04-12T10:24:00.000-07:00

Help for Troubled Teenagers - Making Better Choices is a recent article of mine. In it I discuss the importance - and difficulty - of helping a frustrated teenager connect the dots between her behavior and the consequences she is receiving. Those consequences could be from you, her parent, from her school or work, from her friends or anywhere else in life.

The idea is to help your troubled teenager clearly understand the law of sowing and reaping. If she can grasp this concept and start to pay attention to it in her life, you will see a change.

Instead of feeling like life is passing her by, or worse, banging on her head, she will see that she can influence a considerable amount of what happens to her. She has a measure of control! Not complete control, of course, life just doesn't work that way, but valuable influence nonetheless.

* So cooperating with her parents results in less nagging. Maybe even more privileges.
* Being on time - every time - for work means her boss singles her out for better hours.
* Turning in homework on time and done well results in better grades - which in turn opens opportunities for educational advancement she thought she could never have.

Cause and effect. Sowing and reaping. A tool God has given us to use in this chaotic world.

Help your troubled teen recognize and use this awesome tool for herself.

Behavior Modification in Children - Why Do Tweens Lie?

2011-04-05T21:50:00.000-07:00

Parents have been dealing with children who lie since the beginning of time. That's not new.

And using techniques such as behavior modification in children who have developed the habit of spouting falsehoods can be effective, but usually only if combined with a little detective work.

In a society that seems hellbent on demanding that children grow up faster and faster, the practice of lying is often a telltale symptom of a deeper issue.

What do I mean? Bluntly, a child lies for a reason. At least at first. Over time, however, lying becomes a habit which will require some hard work and intentionality to break.

If you have a tween who is lying to you on a regular basis, it's hard to stay calm when you are confronted with her lies.

Recognize that while the lying definitely needs to be addressed, yelling or nagging is probably not going to help your child stop this destructive habit but only drive it more underground.

Let's start with the basics.

- Why is your child lying?

Lying usually is a child's way of avoiding trouble. Something happens unintentionally that the tween thinks will get him into trouble and so he lies to stay out of said trouble.

Or a tween consciously decides to break a rule, knowing that if she is caught, there will be trouble. So she lies to get away with her indiscretion.

These are two very different scenarios and behavior modification would be equally different depending upon which scenario a tween is engaging in.

So when you catch your tween in a lie, say so. Have an honest talk. Ask why your child lied, but recognize that you will need to be extremely sensitive during this conversation. Your child will probably not, at least at first, tell you why he lied. After all, he's trying to stay out of trouble, he's already lied to do it and you are asking him to confess even more!

If you haven't made honesty a priority value in your home, now is the time. Think about how you use - or misuse - the truth and confess to your child your own shortcomings. Then explain how important honesty is and why. Talk about the specific ways people are hurt by lying - including the fact that YOU are hurt by learning your child has lied and that in turn hurts your relationship with your child.

Behavior modification at this point is focused on creating a home climate where your child understands that the act of lying is worse than whatever the original problem was. To do this requires as much behavioral change on your part as on the part of your tween.

You must be willing to stay calm and nonjudgmental when your child does run into trouble. Only a child who knows she can honestly admit her mistakes and the outcome of that admission will bring both love and consequence will ever risk telling you the truth in difficult situations. This takes time and practice to establish in a home!

Once you get a culture of honesty in your home, child behavior modification consists of firmly and lovingly enforcing consequences for the lying.

Daughter lies? No, she can't go to the party this weekend.

Son lies? No, he will have to miss the big game tomorrow night.

Will your tween be mad at you? Of course! She is trying to get you to take responsibility for her actions. Don't do it! Stand your ground. Your job is to guide and train your child into a responsible adult, not win a parenting popularity contest.

As your tween comes to realize you are standing your ground, he will come to respect you as his parent. And when respect enters a relationship, lots of things can change for the better.

So the next time your tween lies, handle it calmly and firmly. Try to discover the "why" behind the lie. Emphasize a culture of honesty in your home. And then enforce reasonable consequences for the lying behavior.

Hug lots and don't back down.

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Remember, you don't have to go it alone. Get even more ideas about behavior modification in children from a mom with nearly 30 years of parenting experience. In addition click now to get your own free copy of "Behavior Modification in Children - How to Get'em Up In The Morning".

Help With Troubled Teenagers - Share this report with a mom who needs it

2011-04-04T12:08:00.000-07:00

Open publication - Free publishing

How to Handle Argumentative Children - Check Your Foundation

2011-01-22T10:41:00.000-08:00

At some point, nearly all parents ask how to handle argumentative children. That's just life as a parent.

But for some families this question becomes a way of life. Their kids are arguing, yelling, resisting them on a continual - often daily - basis.

When behavior starts going south in our family, I always check our family's foundations. What is that? Our foundations are what we, as a family, are built on. A family almost always moves in the direction of its foundations, so this is important!

Here is one of our foundations well-spoken by Dr. Christine Carter, a sociologist at The Greater Good Science Center and the author of the book Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps For More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.

"Those of us who’ve peered closely into the research know beyond a shadow of a doubt, for example, that the children of “authoritative” parents—parents who are warm and loving, but also good at setting and enforcing limits—are better adjusted and more academically successful than those of overly permissive or superstrict parents."

This is the truth that has been born out in our family over and over, even with four very different children and us at very different ages of parenting. Argumentative children NEED this style of parenting all the more. They are reaching out to find where the parent's limits are and when they don't find any, hey, it's scary!

Are you dealing with argumentative children? Stop and check your parenting foundations. That is much easier than dealing with the threat of continuous arguing.

Troubled Teenagers - What's Working and What's Not

2011-01-14T20:16:00.000-08:00

I am not convinced the way to help troubled teenagers is to make a reality show out of them.

Teen Mom 2 - Meet the New Moms is a real hit on MTV, according to this article on WSJ. These moms are under a lot of pressure - and not all of it because they're young, single and mothers.

In this type of situation, these girls are under pressure to perform because the fact is, they and their situation is trendy. And that's where I have the problem with this whole thing.

There is nothing trendy about being a young unmarried mom trying to make a life for you and your child. This is simply hard hard hard work. How is exposing them and their children to a media blitz going to make things better for them? Please don't answer money; if money were the answer all kinds of lives would be different.

Out of Control Teens - Info to Help

2010-12-17T13:35:00.000-08:00

Out of control teens are no laughing matter. I have raised 3 teens myself and I know how scary the teen years can be.

What I want to encourage you with, though, is the knowledge that the teen years can be happy ones, too. Teenagers are amazing people, getting ready to step into the adult world, armed with the skills and resources you've given them, but not a lot of experience or perspective.

A lot of parents worry if out of control teens are the norm. I say no, not at all, but if you've got difficult habits already entrenched in your family life, it will be just plain hard work to turn it all around. And a teen who doesn't want to be helped is her own worst enemy.

Articles about out of control teens can be helpful, as are forums of parents helping each other.

Start by gaining some perspective yourself. You'll need that before the next outburst with your own teen. Your response to his behavior is the number one thing you have control over and is still an influencing factor in your teens life, no matter how bad things have gotten.

How To Stop Back Talking & Bring Peace to Your Home

2010-12-09T17:55:00.000-08:00

The whole question of how to stop back talking has been around a long, long time.

That's because children have been disrespectful to their parents in a variety of ways since the beginning of time. That fact, however does not prove that kids should be ignored or "left to grow out of it" when it comes to bad behavior!

On the contrary, a human history of back talking just proves that we all need guidance - and as parents it's our job to help our kids overcome some of these tendencies towards selfishness.

Holding a child, whether 5 or 15, accountable for what comes out of their mouth and cultivating an environment of respect in a home is extremely helpful for overcoming back talk. Once a child understands the expectations of a home, he or she will eventually hold their behavior in line, even if only to avoid getting in trouble!

How to stop back talking? Firmness, love, boundaries and serious listening to your child when he is calm. Every child deserves to be heard; but not necessarily when she's demanding it at the moment of back talking!

Looking to the future...

2010-05-03T15:40:00.000-07:00

It's easy to get caught up in the daily grind of everyday life and only make decisions based on the current moment.

But parenting works much better for both parent and child when decisions are made with a long-view game plan in mind.

Child back talking? Sure, that needs to be addressed right away and one of the reasons is because a child needs to learn self-control and respect to use the rest of his or her life. That bit of knowledge gives you the motivation you need to deal with the back talk today.

This works from another perspective, too. Maybe you are raising preschoolers and looking ahead, you know you want a harmonious, tight-knit family during the teen years. While there are no guarantees when it comes to raising children, you can intentionally work on family activities and character development that will work towards your goal of happier teen years.

Have you tried any of this in your own family?

Kids are SUPPOSED to be immature, right?

2010-04-28T13:59:00.000-07:00

Well, yes and no.

Yes, they are kids and therefore, by definition, they are immature.

No, they are not supposed to stay that way forever. And it's our job as parents to guide them into maturity of some sort.

We help our kids move ever towards a more mature mindset in a couple of distinct ways.

One, we model it ourselves, as adults.
Two, we intentionally tell our kids what behaviors we expect of them as they grow and then we set up ways for them to practice those behaviors and experience the consequences of NOT practicing those behaviors.

Depending upon many factors, such as a child's temperament, how well maturity is modeled by the significant adults in a child's life, whether or not values are VALUED in front of the child, and how consistently the consequences are enforced, a child will move towards maturity.

The goal is to keep giving out more freedom, in little dribbles, as a child grows, as payment for the amount of responsibility (maturity) a child is taking on as he grows. Yes, I believe a child EARNS his freedom. And that's good news for a child, because it puts him squarely in the driver's seat for the privileges he wants.

Now all of this becoming second nature takes a long, long time (can you say "lifetime"?), but a HUGE part of it needs to be accomplished before a child is ready to fly the nest.

Is your child growing, steadily, in maturity?

Do you have a disrespectful kid?

2010-04-19T15:09:00.000-07:00

Well, we all do, at one time or another.

The problem becomes when the disrespect is not challenged and the child relies on a pattern of disrespect to get his or her way.

That can lead, very quickly, to a homelife where no one is happy or comfortable.

Kids often use disrespect

when they don't know what else to say
to hurt
to get attention
when it has gotten them what they wanted in the past.

Obviously, these are not the only reasons for children being disrespectful, but looking at each of these in light of our own situation is a good place to start. Our kids do leave clues that we can use to help them choose better behaviors.

Is disrespect a problem in your home?

As a parent, what are you REALLY trying to solve?

2010-04-14T15:38:00.000-07:00

I know in our home when there have been periods of time when things were not as peaceful as I wanted, I would get very, very focused on finding a solution that worked.

What I have learned through the years is that knowing what is really bothering me as a parent, combined with the knowledge of my child's behavior, led me to better (and faster) solutions.

Sort of like cutting through the red tape.

What are you really trying to solve in your home?

Issues of disrespect
Improving maturity
Avoiding future problems
School problems
Gain a peaceful home

Obviously, these issues can overlap in a variety of ways. And maybe you're facing one or two, but not all of them. Maybe you're facing something entirely different.

So that I can better develop resources that can be useful to as many of my visitors as possible, let me know what is chasing away the peace between you and your child.